I was recently dragged, kicking and screaming out to see this... thing. I agreed to go because I wouldn't have to pay for my own ticket, ensuring that Michael Bay wouldn't get any of my money.
Not a scene went by that I didn't throw up my hands and say "What the Hell was that?"
Why was a very badly CGI President used in an unnecessarily long pre-credit opening scene instead of just a quick quote from his speech?
Why did the Decepticons on the moon need a teleporter when they could just fly down?
Why when the girl (what was her name?) is given an expensive car in a world threatened by Decepticons and having Decepticon sensors everywhere did no one say "Hey, look, a Decepticon!?"
Why was the Asian guy from the Hangover movies in this film?
Why was he playing the same character he did in the Hangover movies?
Why was there a huge chase scene where the heroes had to get a key character back to a base that he had never left?
Why when Cybertron gets teleported right next to Earth didn't it's mere presence tear both planets apart?
Why was John Malkovich in this film?
Why was John Turturo in this film?
There are no answers...
----------------
Now playing: The Tubes - Mr. Hate
via FoxyTunes
3 comments:
It feels like you're holding back. You forgot to rant about the stupefyingly idiotic military tactics chosen for the final assault. You were also bent out of shape over the ease at which Optimus Prime was taken out of the battle by a few steel cables. You didn't much care for military veterans still having access to state of the art arms. Glitches in the CG, Bay's inexplicable reliance on old footage from his previous films, & pretty much every scene that Shia Labeouf appeared in also drove you into an exasperated frenzy. I'll be happy to go see the movie again with you, if you need a refresher on all the different points you hated about the film. It's what friends do.
No!
Once was more than enough.
Talking about the tactics, the 'main' characters should have been a distracting force for that SeAL Team! Those guys wouldn't have even been bothered by being on the wrong side of the river (they can swim) and they could have been carrying enough explosives to take out the whole building which housed the big teleporter if they needed to, which would have ended the 'conflict' real quick. And why did the Decepticons put that in a major American city? I'd have built it in secret out in the wilderness somewhere.
And why could those cables even hold up Optimus Prime's weight? much less be impossible for him to cut with his big super-hot sword that he uses to slice up Decepticons?
I had the comments about the instances of bad CG in an earlier draft of the post, which was unfortunately lost in the aether...
I could go scene by scene describing the mind shattering awfulness that was this celluloid horror, but I don't want to inflict any more upon my audience than I have to to convey how bad an experience you pressed me into. (yes, you, Johnny are equally culpable with Michael Bay and the rest of the criminals who foisted this upon me.)
"Why was John Malkovich in this film?"
"There are no answers..."
I do know the answer as to why Mr. Malkovich was in the film. The movie "Being John Malkovich" was a fictionalized account of a real phenomenon that exists - but only other actors can make use of the portal - and there is one installed in the residence of each member of the Screen Actor's Guild.
It just so happens that both Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine both occupied Mr. Malkovich during the period of time that he was offered the part and readily accepted as they do for all parts. Being the professional that he is - he had no choice but to honor the contract he signed.
Post a Comment